Brazil : Hot Tips

1. In Brazil, ham is a well known vegetable.

2. A motel does not rent rooms for the night. Instead you can rent them by the hour, and while you're there you can get room service, order sex toys, and enjoy a revolving bed and a mirrored ceiling. For overnight visits, try a hotel or posada.

3. Portuguese may look similar to Spanish on paper, but all similarity ends there. Half of what you say in Spanish will be understood half the time, but all responses will be alien to you. Note: adorable little girls (preferably named Emanuela or Eloise, but probably universal) may be easier to understand, but contain less potent information

4. If you bend three of the rims on your car, the man at the Borracharia (not drinking establishment, but used tire store) can bang out the dents with his giant mallet in no time. Try not to rip a futbal sized hole in the tire while you're at it, though, rubber is precious.

5. Cachaca, the national drink, is similar to tequila and can be enjoyed with peanuts and a beer.

6. Wearing a beard, which is extremely uncommon, will signal to others that you are Argentinean. It is unclear whether this is positive.

7. The thumb is the most important digit. If a person lost a thumb, or did not have a thumb, it would be more grievous than losing all the other fingers combined, as so much emotion, so often, is conveyed through that one simple gesture, an upward pointing thumb. It is often pushed forward, so that just the tip is up and the rest of the thumb is flattened against the fist. Sometimes the pinky is extended away from the hand to express a more exaggerated version. This gesture can be used to say yes, hello, thank you or any other positive message. Never use the okay sign (thumb and first finger together, other fingers splayed) this is some kind of insult. (Now that you know this, you will undoubtedly use the okay sign repeatedly, you may in fact, flash the okay sign with both hands directly in someone's face and then you can watch the nice stranger's face flush and drain; the hairs on the back of their neck prick up and their eyes fill with hate.)

8. It takes two beers and a half a sleeping pill to buffer out the noise of the highway when in a hotel room, facing the street, with no glass in the windows. The other half may be necessary to survive the moldering sheets, lumpy pillow, dirty bathroom and mosquitoes.

9. If someone says to you, "Tuto bom" say, "Tuto beng" back. It's polite.

10. Futvoley is a high impact sport in which players cannot use their hands to pass a soccer ball over a volleyball net. Partners may be rotated and a good amount of shit talking is necessary. Use the thumbs up or thumbs down gesture for emphasis.

11. Pink tank tops are the single most favored article of clothing for women. Pair yours with short shorts or spandex. Short shorts are required by law. Try fuchsia spandex with a red tube top or bikini top for an authentic look. Round, protruding bellies are as popular as other female assets. Though the country supports numerous perfectly asset-ed women, all assets, whatever their shape or size, should be flaunted at all times.

12. Men should wear at least one piece of flare. Anything neon is encouraged, as is any outfit piece or accessory in any combination that sports the Brazil flag theme. Speedos are encouraged, but not vital. Speedos can be worn in any conditions in any location, at any time including but not limited to city streets, horse riding, or hiking. If a chill persists, add a hip length tee shirt to continue to show off the package.

13. At 7pm each night "Eternal Magic", a dramatically lit soap opera, is shown in every posada lobby, restaurant, truck stop or home. Generally, it is on the only station that gets reception and every single person will be glued to the screen. You will be able to catch the local news, weather and public service announcements during the commercial breaks. The blonde is evil.

14. If you are affected by the cuisine and require an emergency shit in the bushes, make sure you use a cleared area. Using a stick to mash down the plants is not completely effective; stinging ass plants may still attack. In the case of a severe assault, spray the ass area with Derma Pax and wait for the rash to dissapate.

15. Burning time is 3pm, every day, get your fire on. Sunday you can burn all day.